My Prowess in the Kitchen

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A couple of weeks ago my friend had a Potluck. I have never been one to dabble in the culinary arts myself, so when there’s cooking to be done, there’s a mom for that. Not just any mom. My mom.

One of her signature dishes? The baked ziti. So what did I bring to the potluck? Baked ziti.
As soon as I walk into my friends house with the tray, everyone asks me who made the ziti because “of course I didn’t make it, I couldn’t cook a dish to save my life.”

That statement and others like it have been said to me for as far back as I can remember and I take up serious issue with the sentiment.

First of all. I think of myself as a very versatile young lass, quick on her feet with a noggin full o’ common sense and wit. So if encountered with a life-threatening situation that required me to perform some task to live…I’d like to think I would rise to the occasion, fight through the adversity and the pressure and pass with flying colors.

Second. Tis true that I don’t know what “julianning” something is or the difference between al dente and…not al dente. The oven is not my friend. In fact the last time I used it I couldn’t figure out how to shut the thing off (When the hell did they get rid of the on/off buttons??!) But does that mean I am legally brain dead when it comes to culinary expertise?

Many in the world would say yes. I however defend myself because although I may not have cooked through Julia Child’s cookbook or even really know what beef bourgignone (sp?) is… by God I am one hell of a Microwaver!

Ahh the microwave. What once was seen as a magical box full of wonder and mystery, has overtime been downgraded to something you nuke food in, resulting in a less edible heated up version of what once was a delicious meal.

But when I look at a microwave I see a one stop shop for all my cooking needs in one convenient spot. When there’s a fire and you’re all grabbing your iPods, family albums, pets and babies…I’ll be grabbing the microwave.

Of course there will be nay-sayers. Hot shots with their deep fryers and fancy oven mitts will say a microwave is no way to prepare your food. But I say hogwash. My microwave can do anything your oven can do faster and more efficiently while never burning down the kitchen.

Let me ask you this. Have you ever burnt popcorn in a microwave? Have you heated up those pork chops that sent a shiver down your spine when you got to the cold center?

Well what I say to all of you is…amateurs. Popcorn setting? HA what do I look like a rookie?! This ain’t my first rodeo and those factory settings are child’s play. Alls I need to do is eyeball it.

The type of food, the amount, the type of plate all factor in. And of course there’s the microwave.

Are we dealing with a Whirlpool, LG or Hitatchi here. Maybe it’s a Panasonic (betchya didn’t know Panasonic made microwaves). I’m more partial to the Kenmores myself; the classic look is my thing but I can work with any brand you got.

How many watts is this bad boy spitting out and what’s the circumference of the turn table. What’s the CFM speed of the exhaust fan and does it have a heat deflector?

It all means nothing to you but these precise calculations are my life. They’re why I haven’t burned a bag of popcorn since 1996.

So the next time you see a microwave, don’t scoff at it or hold your nose up to it. And when you see me, don’t laugh that I probably don’t know how to turn on/off your oven (seriously none of these damn things have on/off buttons anymore!)

Look at me as an equal in the culinary world because I may not be able to marinate that Thanksgiving turkey, but I can heat up those leftovers better than anybody you’ll ever meet.

So back off and show this Microwaver some God damn respect.

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